Can I make this my career one day? Will I then be happy? I don't even know but certainly something different from what I am doing at the moment.

Lost

I haven't written for a while. I have been searching for what I want and need in life but I can't seemed to find it. I left Auckland because I didn't know what I wanted and knew that as long as I don't get out of a place, I will always be stuck there. Now I have left to a small, tiny town and I have never felt more conflicted than this. I am going crazy and I need to know what I need to do in life. Everyday I head to work and asked myself, "Is this what I want?" I am alone in this town. I tried to make new friends and tried to join random activities but I can't find my place in the world. Is anyone feeling like that? Perhaps there isn't a place for some people in this world. Not everyone is lucky and not everyone know what they want. Will i ever know? I am not happy and certainly trying very hard to be happy. Everything is going downhill and all I can do is sulk on blogspot. This place I am in contains the most beautiful people I have ever met and yet it is the most depressing place I can be in. Never once have I felt so low regarding life. Definitely a good life experience for me. I just need to see the light and grow out it. I need to grow up and be mature about things. I wrote this to remind myself not to lose myself.  I learned about relationship when I lost a guy that I really loved and I will never forget the pain. I learned about career when I went to my internship and pushed myself to the maximum just to prove that I am not an idiot. And now I learned about loneliness and suffering when you leave and part with everyone close to you and realized that the longer you are here, the more you lose them. I feel that my passion and spirit is slowly seeping away from me. I need something new and exciting in my life. I am not happy and I openly will say it here. I am not at my best and I get stressed out easily, angry and sad. This is not the way to life. I need to do something, for better or worse. I need to find what I am meant to do in this world. Can't be lost forever.

Ps. Keep living in the past and you will lose present and future, live in the future and you will lose present. Live in the present and you will smile today even if there is no guarantee that tomorrow you will smile.

Love and honesty

So much alcohol influence in this post and yet I must say it is probably the honestly that I am trying to convey. I am a pharmacist who is trying to speak to many who have great ambition who is stuck to its job? Not just pharmacist, but anything from waitress to the counter lady i met at a supermarket, people aren't happy are they? I believe that each time I go to a new place, I am meant for something. I am meant to help someone. I made that my believe and my resolution. Today, the 4th of May 2012, i have found it. I will make her a different person. A successful person, who will be happy and lovely. I want the best for her. I don't need to know her. All i know is, as long as i live, i am meant to help those who needs me. Every time, I helped someone, it reminds me of my existence. I thought that I am brought to the world to love but perhaps that I am wrong? I have no idea? no proper mentality for this. But I definitely know that i love with my heart and wish to find someone out there like me. I only wish for that. But honestly, i will never want to hear another story, where a young boy hang himself because he thinks he is not worth it, every time i think about it, it hurts me because i know, if i was there, i will never have let him went to that state. People ignore, neglect what is most important and people around them because they are selfish. Ask yourself, have you been selfish? If you have, don't worry, go back to your routine and tell at least one person that they mean something to you. All you know is there is nothing to lose to be honest to yourself that you are a good person who cares about someone and best of all, you saved someone. Honestly, many people who died because they kill themselves is because they find that life is no longer meaningful. And do you ever stop to say why? I will tell you why, it is because they thought that no one cares! So if you care, ignore your ego, ignore your everything, tell them you love them and that you want to help them and be there for them! That's all they need! Please don't let another soul die because you forget or you are selfish not to say I love you. It's just words but if you are a good person, you will help and you will love. Love and not hate! love with your heart and soul! and if you die tomorrow, you will know you have been a good person. And if you think I am crazy, well, you can but I am sure those who think about this and really give it a good thought and not selfish, they will find one person who they can tell i love you to tonight. :) Ps. Love is what make life beautiful, so love, don't hate, we will just need to trust that there will be someone that will carry us home tonight and keep us safe.

Philosophy of life.

When you meet a dead end, you often ask quietly in your heart, 'what is the right thing to do?' Often you found your answer is, 'don't know'. In situations like that, one often reaches to the conclusion that dying is the easiest way out.

Now when one is really happy, they often say, 'i wish this will never ends' Then again, all good things come to an end as quoted by a song. And one will say I will never let go or say good bye. They got sucked into an unrealistic imagination of life. Hence classified as madness. Self deceive is what they are after I supposed?

Sometimes people choose to fight hard and have the philosophy that determination and passion will one day win the battle. However, if that do not happen, the one person will be so defeated and broken. The stronger one believe, the harder one fall.

Three philosophy of life running in my head right now:
1. Death is the solution to all complexity of life and is inevitable
2. Self deceive can make the non existence a reality in our beautiful mind
3. Just keep fighting on regardless the reason

Ps. Death is merely an avoidance, an act of coward. Self deceiving can only last for so long before reality strikes. Determination hurts when another put you down harshly and insensitively. But F*** those people who tells you that you're s*** and that your an idiot who cant do shit. (sorry for the language but that is why human are rude) and stand up for your self by proving to them that you are better than them. Stand beside me to fight the battle against trash like them. Remember there are kind people all around you, you will just need to go to them...

Franz Shurbert Serenade

A beautiful piece made. Not just for the melody but for the emotions that you could feel from it. Close your eyes, listen. Perhaps we don't listen enough. Perhaps we don't question enough. Or simply because we prefer to hide it deep down in our heart. What is our heart telling us? Human are made to love and feel. Every night before I sleep, I let my heart plays a melody. Let my heart feels. It doesn't matter what it is feeling, the only thing that matters is that I know I can feel. One can easily lost oneself while in a quest to search for the unknown. What do we want and what do we understand? Ask yourself, ask myself, ask the world, and yet no answer. Perhaps there will never be an answer. Again, close your eyes, listen to his serenade and feel. Feel the love that you desire to give and receive. Imagination is the power of emotions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZIX1Hs4u50&feature=related

Ps. I first found this song from this series. The emotions are incredible.

One can find his/her purpose of life when one learn to accept that to feel happiness, one must feel pain...

Love POV

Often i wondered, is love an easy and bubbly thing? or is it meant to be difficult and complicated before u can be with the right guy?

Girls...are they creatures who are made to love and feel dependence? Guys...are they creatures made to protect and have high sexual drive? What are they?

Is that why when a raw relationship started, it is often rocky and difficult to understand? Is this why girls demand attention and time (love and dependence) from the guys and the guys feel the pressure and being pushed away yet they can't leave because of their protective nature and guilt leading to a draggy relationship that eventually ends or both party have to try so hard to change?

Is this normal or is this just another assumption that the first real relationship is just this way?

Those who truly believe in love and soul mates will be finding the other half. When they do, they will love so deep like they never love before. The feeling of i can't lose this person is always there leading to all sort of problems (ie. insecurity, trust, dependence, want, needs, listener, space)..everything u can imagine that can break a relationship apart.

Should you be patient if u are faced with this situation, where you love someone so deep and yet you know he/she is not the right one? And are you sure you are actually loving him and not that you are afraid you can't find another person who can give you 'the' feeling or love you that deep or even worse because you believe you care for this person so you cant leave?

In the end, you will sit down and ask yourself, if this relationship is meant to be, why is it so difficult?

Ending

Ending is always the harder part of the relationship. When a relationship ends, it means it is over forever and ever and those who are deeply emotional will realise that this is the most painful part. For those who don't understand this emotion, it just means two things. Either your just hiding it and running away from it because it is unacceptable, in other words, self denial or you haven't love deep enough. Either way, at the point of rejection, it hurts, it will make you cry, do the most unreasonable things and definitely reminds you of the person you once had something with. It is until you accept it that you can move on and see the world in a more colourful way once again. Until then, you will be tortured and decisions made will be regreted once in a while but don't let that change you. Remember that every decision was made for a reason, there is no regret to that. If you do regret it, go back and fight for it but make sure it will hurt less for a long time and not temporary which is what most people desire at a point so called 'point of no return'. A breakup can last so long simply because this decision is so painful and filled with guilt. Dragging and walking on the torturing road of decisions can hurt so many others, lost so much more important matters because one's focus is only on that road. Don't be selfish, if you realised that you are hurting another person, then let go because you love the person. And if you think your the one who is hurt, don't let guilt torture the one you once called lover. Don't ever let yourself think he/she completes your world because if it is true, you wouldn't be crying alone. And if you found someone worthy of your love, then appreciate him/her, make her/him smile because you can't help making her/him cry once in a while (cry means true love). If you have no one, then remember there are many meaningful people and events waiting for you to discover and care for. They are meaningful because they love you too (Friends, crushes, family, facebook attention...etc)So love those who are worth with your heart and soul.

Ps. Life is never easy. Career, love, money, health, daily luck...etc...that is why horoscope existed...But most importantly don't forget to smile after you cried...XOXO