Can I make this my career one day? Will I then be happy? I don't even know but certainly something different from what I am doing at the moment.

Lost

I haven't written for a while. I have been searching for what I want and need in life but I can't seemed to find it. I left Auckland because I didn't know what I wanted and knew that as long as I don't get out of a place, I will always be stuck there. Now I have left to a small, tiny town and I have never felt more conflicted than this. I am going crazy and I need to know what I need to do in life. Everyday I head to work and asked myself, "Is this what I want?" I am alone in this town. I tried to make new friends and tried to join random activities but I can't find my place in the world. Is anyone feeling like that? Perhaps there isn't a place for some people in this world. Not everyone is lucky and not everyone know what they want. Will i ever know? I am not happy and certainly trying very hard to be happy. Everything is going downhill and all I can do is sulk on blogspot. This place I am in contains the most beautiful people I have ever met and yet it is the most depressing place I can be in. Never once have I felt so low regarding life. Definitely a good life experience for me. I just need to see the light and grow out it. I need to grow up and be mature about things. I wrote this to remind myself not to lose myself.  I learned about relationship when I lost a guy that I really loved and I will never forget the pain. I learned about career when I went to my internship and pushed myself to the maximum just to prove that I am not an idiot. And now I learned about loneliness and suffering when you leave and part with everyone close to you and realized that the longer you are here, the more you lose them. I feel that my passion and spirit is slowly seeping away from me. I need something new and exciting in my life. I am not happy and I openly will say it here. I am not at my best and I get stressed out easily, angry and sad. This is not the way to life. I need to do something, for better or worse. I need to find what I am meant to do in this world. Can't be lost forever.

Ps. Keep living in the past and you will lose present and future, live in the future and you will lose present. Live in the present and you will smile today even if there is no guarantee that tomorrow you will smile.

Love and honesty

So much alcohol influence in this post and yet I must say it is probably the honestly that I am trying to convey. I am a pharmacist who is trying to speak to many who have great ambition who is stuck to its job? Not just pharmacist, but anything from waitress to the counter lady i met at a supermarket, people aren't happy are they? I believe that each time I go to a new place, I am meant for something. I am meant to help someone. I made that my believe and my resolution. Today, the 4th of May 2012, i have found it. I will make her a different person. A successful person, who will be happy and lovely. I want the best for her. I don't need to know her. All i know is, as long as i live, i am meant to help those who needs me. Every time, I helped someone, it reminds me of my existence. I thought that I am brought to the world to love but perhaps that I am wrong? I have no idea? no proper mentality for this. But I definitely know that i love with my heart and wish to find someone out there like me. I only wish for that. But honestly, i will never want to hear another story, where a young boy hang himself because he thinks he is not worth it, every time i think about it, it hurts me because i know, if i was there, i will never have let him went to that state. People ignore, neglect what is most important and people around them because they are selfish. Ask yourself, have you been selfish? If you have, don't worry, go back to your routine and tell at least one person that they mean something to you. All you know is there is nothing to lose to be honest to yourself that you are a good person who cares about someone and best of all, you saved someone. Honestly, many people who died because they kill themselves is because they find that life is no longer meaningful. And do you ever stop to say why? I will tell you why, it is because they thought that no one cares! So if you care, ignore your ego, ignore your everything, tell them you love them and that you want to help them and be there for them! That's all they need! Please don't let another soul die because you forget or you are selfish not to say I love you. It's just words but if you are a good person, you will help and you will love. Love and not hate! love with your heart and soul! and if you die tomorrow, you will know you have been a good person. And if you think I am crazy, well, you can but I am sure those who think about this and really give it a good thought and not selfish, they will find one person who they can tell i love you to tonight. :) Ps. Love is what make life beautiful, so love, don't hate, we will just need to trust that there will be someone that will carry us home tonight and keep us safe.

Philosophy of life.

When you meet a dead end, you often ask quietly in your heart, 'what is the right thing to do?' Often you found your answer is, 'don't know'. In situations like that, one often reaches to the conclusion that dying is the easiest way out.

Now when one is really happy, they often say, 'i wish this will never ends' Then again, all good things come to an end as quoted by a song. And one will say I will never let go or say good bye. They got sucked into an unrealistic imagination of life. Hence classified as madness. Self deceive is what they are after I supposed?

Sometimes people choose to fight hard and have the philosophy that determination and passion will one day win the battle. However, if that do not happen, the one person will be so defeated and broken. The stronger one believe, the harder one fall.

Three philosophy of life running in my head right now:
1. Death is the solution to all complexity of life and is inevitable
2. Self deceive can make the non existence a reality in our beautiful mind
3. Just keep fighting on regardless the reason

Ps. Death is merely an avoidance, an act of coward. Self deceiving can only last for so long before reality strikes. Determination hurts when another put you down harshly and insensitively. But F*** those people who tells you that you're s*** and that your an idiot who cant do shit. (sorry for the language but that is why human are rude) and stand up for your self by proving to them that you are better than them. Stand beside me to fight the battle against trash like them. Remember there are kind people all around you, you will just need to go to them...

Franz Shurbert Serenade

A beautiful piece made. Not just for the melody but for the emotions that you could feel from it. Close your eyes, listen. Perhaps we don't listen enough. Perhaps we don't question enough. Or simply because we prefer to hide it deep down in our heart. What is our heart telling us? Human are made to love and feel. Every night before I sleep, I let my heart plays a melody. Let my heart feels. It doesn't matter what it is feeling, the only thing that matters is that I know I can feel. One can easily lost oneself while in a quest to search for the unknown. What do we want and what do we understand? Ask yourself, ask myself, ask the world, and yet no answer. Perhaps there will never be an answer. Again, close your eyes, listen to his serenade and feel. Feel the love that you desire to give and receive. Imagination is the power of emotions.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZIX1Hs4u50&feature=related

Ps. I first found this song from this series. The emotions are incredible.

One can find his/her purpose of life when one learn to accept that to feel happiness, one must feel pain...

Love POV

Often i wondered, is love an easy and bubbly thing? or is it meant to be difficult and complicated before u can be with the right guy?

Girls...are they creatures who are made to love and feel dependence? Guys...are they creatures made to protect and have high sexual drive? What are they?

Is that why when a raw relationship started, it is often rocky and difficult to understand? Is this why girls demand attention and time (love and dependence) from the guys and the guys feel the pressure and being pushed away yet they can't leave because of their protective nature and guilt leading to a draggy relationship that eventually ends or both party have to try so hard to change?

Is this normal or is this just another assumption that the first real relationship is just this way?

Those who truly believe in love and soul mates will be finding the other half. When they do, they will love so deep like they never love before. The feeling of i can't lose this person is always there leading to all sort of problems (ie. insecurity, trust, dependence, want, needs, listener, space)..everything u can imagine that can break a relationship apart.

Should you be patient if u are faced with this situation, where you love someone so deep and yet you know he/she is not the right one? And are you sure you are actually loving him and not that you are afraid you can't find another person who can give you 'the' feeling or love you that deep or even worse because you believe you care for this person so you cant leave?

In the end, you will sit down and ask yourself, if this relationship is meant to be, why is it so difficult?

Ending

Ending is always the harder part of the relationship. When a relationship ends, it means it is over forever and ever and those who are deeply emotional will realise that this is the most painful part. For those who don't understand this emotion, it just means two things. Either your just hiding it and running away from it because it is unacceptable, in other words, self denial or you haven't love deep enough. Either way, at the point of rejection, it hurts, it will make you cry, do the most unreasonable things and definitely reminds you of the person you once had something with. It is until you accept it that you can move on and see the world in a more colourful way once again. Until then, you will be tortured and decisions made will be regreted once in a while but don't let that change you. Remember that every decision was made for a reason, there is no regret to that. If you do regret it, go back and fight for it but make sure it will hurt less for a long time and not temporary which is what most people desire at a point so called 'point of no return'. A breakup can last so long simply because this decision is so painful and filled with guilt. Dragging and walking on the torturing road of decisions can hurt so many others, lost so much more important matters because one's focus is only on that road. Don't be selfish, if you realised that you are hurting another person, then let go because you love the person. And if you think your the one who is hurt, don't let guilt torture the one you once called lover. Don't ever let yourself think he/she completes your world because if it is true, you wouldn't be crying alone. And if you found someone worthy of your love, then appreciate him/her, make her/him smile because you can't help making her/him cry once in a while (cry means true love). If you have no one, then remember there are many meaningful people and events waiting for you to discover and care for. They are meaningful because they love you too (Friends, crushes, family, facebook attention...etc)So love those who are worth with your heart and soul.

Ps. Life is never easy. Career, love, money, health, daily luck...etc...that is why horoscope existed...But most importantly don't forget to smile after you cried...XOXO

The idea of love

Do one love the person for who they are or who you thought they are? Often people take a glimpse and make a superficial judgement on the person based on some basic information they figure out through friends, facebook, blog, looks, career, a little character or simple do they smoke, drink? Party? or cook, fun or nerd? Let's say girl A went out with her friends and they told her this amazing story about this guy, hot, smart, rich, good to friends, absolutely adorable. Later that night girl A went to facebook, look upon his profile, read his comments, felt his little funny side through the comments, random and interesting yet stable and responsible, ie everything she is looking for. Without her noticing, she started to fall in love with this guy without even talking to him. How did that happened? A little crush over a person she imagined to be perfect happened. See what I am trying to project to you? Telling you the story of girl A loving a guy who she thought to be the guy of her dreams. Now the story can go both ways, either Mr Perfect can ask her out and be the best guy ever for her (ie match made in heaven) or Mr Perfect can turn out to be Mr Player, Mr Free Spirit, Mr Jealous, Mr Control Freak, Mr Dreamer, Mr Sticky, Mr Everything but Mr Perfect. Either way, girl A let herself fall in love with the idea of being in love and not actually loving Mr so called Perfect. She let herself vunerable even before she started. So lesson: Miss A will know to learn and understand a person more than just what she believe or make herself believe in before falling in love because LOVE can be beautiful or ugly. It is the best and worst thing you can feel to get the ultimate love. Always love but love wisely :)

Decisions are superficial

When one makes an important decision, often running through their brains are tons of informations that made sense and don't make sense. Sometimes we are forced to make decisions, whether we like it or not. In the end of the day, people often tell you that it is good and wise that you make a decision when it turn out right. However, when it was the time you had to make a decision that seemed stupid and unwise, 101 people willl be there to object. Very true indeed every word and message given by these people made lots of sense and in fact you yourself will start contradicting to make your decision look so bad but you will still take the wrong one. Everyone deemed that it will be a mistake but will it be? Who is to decide what is wrong and what is right? People often say think and people often say do as your heart is contented. What if that is the happiness one is looking for, the heart and not the brain, not the soul and not the body but the heart? Humans are susceptible to making the wrong decision but it is important to make a decision than not making one. Leaving things hanging are never good, people hurt people on the way for a long time. Your decision may not be right but do what makes you happy not what makes everyone else happy even it hurts the most. It's like beautiful stars, everyone of them are so beautiful, captivating, yearning for you but you can never be certain it isn't dying. You just got to believe and do what you can to make it beautiful. Appreciate it

Really?

I don't have a heart. It is cold n frozen. Won't feel a thing. Won't let it feel a thing. Don't trust a thing. Don't want anything. Don't want to love. Don't want to hate. Don't want so many things. Don't want you. Don't want him. Don't want her. Don't think its right. Don't think its wrong. Don't think its cruel. Don't think its normal. Don't understand. Don't want to understand. Don't want to see. Don't want to accept reality. Don't want to own. Don't want to have. Don't want to know. Don't want to read. Don't want to predict. Don't want to guess. Don't want at all... really?

LBEFGOIW

The 'List' showed evidence.
The 'Book' reads the memories.
The 'Emotions tells the lie.
The 'Friends' whisper into the ear.
The 'Guy' hides in his lost world.
The 'One' has yet to find it's way.
'I' have yet to wake up
The 'World' is still spinning as it is.

No such thing as not meant to be

Today i made a decision to let go of this locked heart to allow it to grow. I tortured myself long enough and realised that there is no point anymore to try to trap a flying bird, i will let him go. Let him fly far far away and one day when he realised that he actually belongs to the cage, he will come back and if he doesn't, well that is destined. Fated that he came to my life and destined that he left and never come back. O well, o well i finally know how to love. To love someone is not to keep them but to let them go. Let them explore their inner self and know what they want truly and deeply inside. If it's not meant to be, it is just not. Don't force it anymore. Let him go, let your self go. Though it is going to be harder than what you would be willing to experience but it is your choice the moment you promise yourself to love. One has to be responsible for every action they do. You chose to love, you have chose to take pain or happiness. One has to grow up. There is no such as not meant to be, only have such a thing as i give up. If one don't give up but learn to see the beauty of another, trust me love will be there. You made love up. You decide whether you want to love or not. You decide whether it is you or not. You decide whether it is right or not. It is not predetermined. No such thing as not meant to be~ believe

The Gift of Love

A risk is taken today. Beautiful weather turned into dark scary storms that calms down after. What an intense weather. Feelings can be intense too? Can someone control the uncontrollable? People tend to be emotionally affected so deeply till it breaks the core of a soul and spirit! Those who break it will never, never ever understand how hurt one person can be. Those who have the ultimate passion will always go back to the one person they love most regardless how painful or stabbing their hearts felt. Love is such a crazy risk. How can a love so beautiful slip away? How can such passion ran away? How can one feel so much love yet fear and pain? What is this love that kills one yet brings life? So much running in my mind. Love is definitely not the most important concept of life and yet i am feeling so much, so much passion and fear. I am taking a risk to go back instead of jumping off the cliff because i absolutely believe that love conquers all. But am i right? Will i be the foolish lover again? Probably is but loving someone is the greatest gift that God has given me. My life is dedicated to love, loving him, loving family, loving friends, loving those who needs me, loving the world but me. To love others is to sacrifice me. And i die willingly in the name of love. Lord hold me, give me the strength to love others with passion without regrets! Give me the power to help and support others, those who needs me, send me as an angel to them.

Feelings vs Thoughts

One can use the heart to feel so much that they take nothing from the thoughts to decide on something. One can use their mental thoughts so much that nothing they feel can decide a thing in life. Both neither one can live when both see life in such a contrast. Clashes in every step of life from every moment to every decision. Difficulty that seemed like a dead end to every dream shaped in the thoughts. Hopeless feeling and the impossible formed, slowly leeching away the every little love there is. The one that uses the heart, crumbles as the one who uses the mind, slowly doing what seemed logical, coldly. Such undefined torture. It is hard to let the mind control the feelings just as it is hard for the mind to let the feelings out. Just unlucky the infinite battle of feelings vs thoughts will always be there in ones' mind and heart.

Wished

Summer is here and winter had passed. I got to say you are still there, still deep inside there. Good bye seemed to be a useless word. Moving on seemed like a numbing sentence to me. Missing you deep down inside. The refusal of showing the truth to the world can be such a lie to many faces. Such memories to me perhaps nothing to you. Even if it's something, you refuse to break the unbreakable wall. Wished you would try harder. Wished you would always come back. Wished that i am not the only one here hoping to see something still. Wished you would tell me. Wished you were the one. Wished you could feel me. Wished you could understand me. Wished you were blunt and passionate. Wished you and I can be one. Wished for so much but everything is just about you...

Blue blue sky

I see blue sky when i walk,
My head will be staring at it,
As i walk,
i think,
think so deeply wondering what is going through a mind like mine,
N realized that the song in my earphones will determine it,
Konayuki or american flightless bird or 21 guns tomorrow? or perhaps something new?
One never know but i certainly want to be free,
Hopefully soon i will put a new song into my mp3 and see the sky differently.

Ps. O lord, please let the sky be blue tomorrow =) 24/08/2009

Wishing

Wishing hard, very hard for something that is definitely impossible or almost impossible. Hoping that every dream is true and real. Wondering your real thoughts of life. Wishing you back every moment of life knowing you will never be back again...memories to feed the never lasting dream

Kau Ilhamku ~ MAMBAI

Beribu bintang dilangit
Kini menghilang
Meraba aku dalam kelam
Rembulan mengambang
Kini makin suram
Pudar ilhamku tanpa arah

Sedetik wajahmu muncul
Dalam diam
Ada kerdipan ada sinar
Itukah bintang ataupun rembulan
Terima kasih kuucapkan

Izinkan kumencuri bayangan wajahmu
Izinkan ku mencuri khayalan denganmu
Maafkanlah oh...
Andai lagu ini
Mengganggu ruangan hidupmu
Kau senyumlah oh...
Sekadar memori
Kita di arena ini
Kau ilhamku
Kau ilhamku...

~Found.Loss.Hold.Release~

You found some,
Grab some and scattered around,
Decided on one and the one,
Letting the one be the one,
Giving everything to the one,
Never saying good bye to it,
Because it's the one.

You lose some,
Some fly too far you ignored,
Too engross with the one,
That you missed the one trying to go,
Holding on so tightly to the one,
Because it's the one,
Not realizing the one is gone,
Long gone far far away,
Not a glimpse back.

You hold some,
You thought you hold some,
Perhaps you do,
But it's only you,
Time to say good bye,
One had move on.

You release one,
Reluctance to lose the feeling,
Cruel reality speaks today,
Truth poured and should be known,
Faced to faced is a must,
For life belongs to no one but you,
To love is not to own but to let go.
To let go and see the one smile again.

Doubts

I just realized that sometimes in life, doing something is something that you cannot judge the worth. As much as you try to evaluate what is important and worth the effort and passion, you will never truly get the answer because everything doesn't just revolves around you. Sometimes you feel like perhaps giving up is the best answer because then you will be opened to the outside and free yourself to give yourself another chance. Again is it that easy to let go? to give up something so that you have judged as part of your life? But then what is the worth of fighting for it when in everything, effort doesn't just need to come from one side? Who cares? I am kind of tired of caring the details of life. May as well free my soul.

5W & 1 H

I asked why is why call why? And what is why when what itself dunno what is it? when will i get my what and why when what and why do not know when or where were what and why found? Who will ever solve this why, what, when and where puzzle? THE answer: Why ask what when i don't know how or who knows where is the answer?

Ps. Why, what, when, where, who and how are simply what we used when all solutions are vagued and lost.

Today as usual, another working day...life has been weird and still troublesome as ever simply because i view it that way but I am cool. I am still cool. I am learning to chill and sort of accept? I have been doing absolutely nothing. I work, watch tvb series, sleep and eat. Life seemed a little dull this way and yes i still think alot. That i supposed is one thing I can never change about myself. I even think while watching series. I think of the significance of the series but i still enjoyed myself ofc. Laughing and crying with its every moment though it is simply just a show was amazing in my opinion. Weird as it may seem, I love them. I feel and understand their emotions. I experienced their fun and all. That is the only way i can get some life out of a life of my own.